A Tribute to Ryan

Ryan is leaving me. RYAN IS LEAVING ME HERE ALONE IN THIS HELLHOLE!
He finally got a real job, a job where people actually probably WANT your help as opposed to want to treat you like a piece of poop. So Ryan is leaving me to move on to bigger and better things. Instead of throwing gallons of milk at him in protest, i think i'll leave a little...'best of Ryan' blog.

I remember when Ryan and I first started working on dairy together. It would take us ALL FRIGGIN DAY. Seriously, i'd leave at 4 and he'd still be trying to finish up the cooler. Now, a year and some-odd months later, it takes us like 3 hours. By noon, we're struggling to stretch it out to 1. Maybe now that our buddy Nick will be taking over the main dairy operations, it'll start taking a little longer. But i doubt it. I'll miss my buddy Ryan, and i'll especially miss all the stupid things he's done. A recap, for my own enjoyment.

* One time Ryan leaned on the pallet jack backwards and nearly face planted.

* Just the other week, he inhaled a piece of cardboard into his windpipe. Yeah, it was exactly as funny as it sounds.

* There was some outdated OJ in the cooler. And by some, i mean boxes and boxes and BOXES. We started stacking them all up on a three-tier to take to the garbage when our boss walked into the cooler. We froze. Boss was like, 'whats up with the oj?' and Ryan said, 'um, just rearranging in here.' and boss believed us. Somehow.

*I threw a block of cheese at his head


And for added fun, here are some quotes from Ryan, the genius.

"AAGGHH MY FACE!"

"Spartan's version of thick and creamy is probably something like thin and runny"

"I thought it was just like, 'phew', like you just ate a really good mango or something"

"It's always warmer in the cracks"

"There's friggin damn ass milk everywhere!"

"Ryan, We're in 7" -Me (to Ryan, regarding the month)

"IT'S DECEMBER!" -Me (to Ryan, regarding the month -again-)

"Have you ever seen a Ninja Turtle by itself? Not for me."

Me: How ambitious are you feeling for lunch?
Ryan: Well i'm not going to go hunt a turkey or anything.

~*~

So here's to Ryan, please don't come back to this place!

Yogurt

So, just out of curiosity, when you pick up a container of Yoplait and decide you don't want that particular one, do you just chuck it back at the shelf like it insulted your mother? Because that's what it looks like by the end of the day. How about a little less body slamming the yogurt and a little more put it back where you found it!?!?

STOP ASKING ME IF I'M OPEN!

Oh my GOD! Can't you see the fucking SIGN!??!? Honestly, do I really need to answer your question? Can't you see the fucking FLAG that says OPEN!??!? Why are all you people so fucking STUPID!?
Yeah, ok, so i've lost it a little. I usually try to keep composure in these sort of blogs, to offer stories and suggestions in a calm and collected manner, but this is getting ridiculous. Are you people honestly so goddamn dumb, that you can't figure out that i'm open when i'm STANDING at a LANE, WAITING!!
oh, and please stop coming into my lane and saying 'looks like you're waiting just for me!' OR "you need something to do."
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Hilarious. Because i haven't heard that 9000 times already today. You're so damn original.
Man i'm glad that i'm stock today.

Are You Open? (cont)

Why do you ask if i'm open if i'm standing there, flag up, staring at you? One of these days I swear, i'm going to say no. I'm going to say No and stare at you till you walk away.
Ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer.

Are You Open?

Is my flag up?

The Principle of the thing...

So about a month or two ago, we stopped carrying plastic bags. Call it our contribution to saving the environment. We always used paper bags by default unless the customer specifically asked for plastic anyway, so it really wasn't too bad of a transition. We had quite a few really irritated customers, and probably lost some I'm sure, but after two months, I think it's time to let it go.
The only plastic we now have in the store are A. the flower bouquet bags, and B. small, thin bags like the ones you wrap meat and produce in. They are for, you guessed it, wrapping meat and loose produce.
So I had this guy come through my lane today with three large Styrofoam cartons from the deli. He said to me, "Put this in that plastic bag", and pointed to my little roll of meat bags. "I don't like your new policy."
So I replied, "Okay, but it's not going to fit very well."
And the gentleman replied, "Well I don't really care. It's the principle of the thing."

The principle of what? Ruining the environment? putting hot deli cartons in a very thin plastic bag so the plastic can melt and fuse with the Styrofoam? So I abide by his weird command and of course, as soon as I wrap it it immediately falls over because, like I said, the meat bags are thin and virtually useless. I hope he had something like chicken and mashed potatoes in one of those, because I guarantee it got everywhere.
JUST TAKE A PAPER BAG! GEEZE!

Receipts

I love when customers stand at the end of my lane after I check them out, staring at their receipt. It's like a personal challenge. As if watching each item get scanned, reading each description on the monitor, including price, and questioning every item I have to type in weren't enough to convince them that the order is indeed correct. So when a customer just stands there, reading each item on the receipt one by one, it is a triumphant victory for me when they, more often than not, sigh and walk away after a few painstaking minutes of scanning, as my eyes bore holes into his/her (usually her) skull.

Life Beyond Lane Six

There is life beyond lane Six. Beyond lane six, there are two, sometimes even THREE cashiers waiting to serve you. Beyond lane six, there are...other. lanes.
OMG.

The problem with lane six, is that it is the first lane you see when you get to the checkout. And therefore, like the bullseye of your vision. You aim for it, you shoot your cart at it even if there are four more. In the midst of this race to be the first to the lane, you miss the fact that lanes 5 and 4 are also perfectly open and...perfectly empty.

So there I stand, on lane six, being bombarded with groceries and impatient customers. Behind me, two women lean against their lanes, drool slipping down their chins, light snores coming from their mouths. And for some ridiculous reason that i still have yet to figure out, customers seem to get offended when I offer another lane so they don't have to wait behind the seven customers in mine. Here are two actual dialogs:
1...
Me: Ma'am, lane five is open right next door if you don't want to wait.
Customer (dazed, confused): But...you're almost done, right?
Me: -_-

and 2:
Me: Sir, lane five is open next door if you don't want to wait.
Customer (old crotch of a man): you just don't want to wait on me.
Me: heh, heh....(thinking...oh, you're not joking are you...) heh...
Customer: Do you like your job?
Me: (whats the answer whats the answer whats the answer) ...yes?
Customer: Well you sure don't act like it.
Me: .........

~*~

Which leads me to another point of interest. Never ask the person serving you if they like their job. Because chances are, they did up until you asked that.
Lane six. Hell.
I guarantee there will be more on this wretched place.

Monday: Nothing.

It's funny how the day I decide to start this blog is the day I have nothing much to mention. It was a fairly slow, uneventful day. My fellow stocker and soon-to-be-roommate Abby and I just worked the hell out of her aisle, which is juice and popcorn and nuts. Tons of rotating, pricing, moving, fronting, etc. Boring. I don't think I talked to a single customer, except this old man who said 'good morning' every time he walked by us. Every. Time. It was actually kind of funny.
I cashier tomorrow. I have the worst shift, 11-6. It's the busiest shift and the one with the most bagger ins and outs. My store does carry-out service, and the 11-6 bagger list is long as hell, and keeping track of who's around and who's left already gets kind of hard if you aren't paying attention to the clock, which you've trained yourself to do if you value your sanity. I think the shift sucks for everyone as well because we always anticipate it to suck. As long as i'm not on lane six...Lane six is the closest lane to the aisles, as in the first lane you see when you get to check out. As in, the ONLY lane people find themselves capable of going to. Several hours into this, you get pretty sick of saying, "lanes 5 4 and 3 are open, no waiting", and customers just stare at you like you physically shoved them out of your line. I'm sorry, i just thought maybe you'd like to leave the store today.

An Introduction

I work at a grocery store. I am a department manager, cashier, dairy assistant, and can work any general stock. I do quite an assortment of things in any given day, which also requires me to work with an assortment of people, and serve an assortment of customers. And I've got to tell you, no matter what department i'm working in, whether I'm filling milk or working the cash register, I will inevitably meet the stupidest person alive.
I spend most of my stock time with Ryan, the dairy manager. One girl that works at the store has described listening to Ryan and I talk like listening to a morning radio show. When you are stocking an aisle with someone, all there is to do is open boxes and talk. And we talk, a lot. I can guarantee you; however, that we'd have a lot less to talk about if it weren't for the customer. The American Shopper. One day, after several particularly trying hours of questions and 'its down aisle 5's', Ryan came up to me and said, "It's almost as if these people have never been to a grocery store before!". Which is how we came up with our thesis statement for this entire blog. It's the experience! The shopping experience!
I filled so much of my daily blog with complaints about work, stories about something someone wanted, or asked, or demanded, or complained about. I honestly cannot believe sometimes that these people who shop at my store have ever left their freaking houses! Some of the stuff I deal with every day...I swear. It's almost like this is their first time out shopping for food. As if they've just realized food is needed for living. So instead of piling all this wonderful work stuff into my daily blog, I decided to create this. A pamphlet, a brochure, with stories, instructions and general FAQ on how to behave in a grocery store.
You might think you don't need this. You might think you know how to shop. You don't.